I’m writing this on the plane as my first 13 hour leg has given me an abundance of time to reflect. Though I tried, I haven’t slept at all as I’ve been buzzing with adrenaline and thoughts and ideas whizzing round (no change there really) but it’s been a great opportunity to just sit and chill after a suspenseful, busy week.
My flying time is 13 hrs with a layover in Kuala Lumpur followed by another 3 and a bit hours to Bali. If you’re interested here were my plane meals haha.
Pretty good as far as plane food goes actually. Been really lucky amongst a packed plane to get an empty seat next to me which you would think would mean I’d be comfortable and so able to sleep. Hahahaha nope!
I’ve watched two movies; Red Sparrow (a film about a young Russian woman using her unfortunate situation to win back her freedom) and Meditation Park (about a devoted wife having an epiphany about her life after discovering her husband was having an affair) . I found both really resonated with me in very different ways and that’s what got me in a really reflective mood so I thought I’d strike while the irons hot and get writing . Jet lag will likely hit when I land and have been awake for over 24 hours so I’m making the most of this time and thought explaining a bit about this trip might be a good place to start.
So last week I was meeting with a dear friend of mine and they asked me:’Why are you taking this trip?’ Not that anyone needs a reason to have an adventure really, but I told them I needed to stoke the fire in me and dream again. As the week went on and I grew increasingly anxious to the point of overwhelm, dizziness and nausea, I tried to accept and question those feelings in order to “let them go” and as part of accepting I remembered just how significant a trip this is for me.
While not wanting to put too much pressure on myself for this trip, honestly it is like an emotional landmark in my life. I have no idea where this crazy analogy came from but weird analogies are my language so here goes. It’s like a rounders match where after several humiliating misses you’re exhausted and feeling like giving up. Somehow you actually manage to hit the ball and surprise yourself…and you’re legging it round the pitch thinking ‘what now?’ with little to no hope of reaching first base. But then you do, and then second base is even in sight and you have this hope growing inside of you for more.
That’s me right now, thankful that I am able to begin moving forwards when I’ve been stuck batting off curveballs for what feels like forever.
So I know a 6 week holiday is just a holiday in some people’s mind, but more than that it’s a chance to celebrate the gap between where I was and where I am now.
I’ve always been free spirited and often done things in life that were wayyy out of my comfort zone. Going off to America, jumping out of planes, making friends with total strangers. I used to embrace it all and think I’d done it in my own strength but that was naive and also that was when it felt like a choice.
Things totally changed when I had the rug pulled from under my feet and I found myself a few months after marriage abandoned and alone. Fear and anxiety dictated my daily existence and my mental health really suffered in the following months and in many ways I imagine lots of things will be a trigger for those insecurities for a long time to come. But I have come to know a sense of peace in something guiding me forwards to other things, even if I don’t know what they are.
There are some things that happen in life you can’t just ‘get over.’ Yet somehow slowly we can pick up the pieces and move forwards. Always forwards. With the people in your life that help you to pick yourself up. There are so many times it will still feel like there’s no reason to fight against the hurt and the darkness but that’s when you take the tiniest baby step forwards. A week, a month, 365 days of babysteps. It goes on.. Shine the smallest light into the darkness and it begins to lose its power.
Slowly but surely you will learn to hold on to the glimmer of hope, people will help lift you up and eventually you will start to see that there’s a future worth hoping for. That’s what this trip is for me, finally beginning to hope for my future and celebrating the distance behind me.
Like a seed in the ground, surrounded by darkness. But day by day still unknowingly growing towards the light.