Babysteps: Why I started this blog…

I started this blog because my life has ended up very different to how I expected it would a few years ago. I needed a way to try and process that. I couldn’t afford more therapy so I figured a healthy idea would be to write down my feelings to get them out of my system.

Some days I wake up and think maybe it was all just a bad dream. On Christmas Eve 2015,  my husband of only 4 months decided he wasn’t ready for marriage after all. It didn’t seem possible when only the day before that, he’d been telling me he loved me and given me a bracelet engraved with our wedding date and ‘always and forever.’  Now here I was and this was it, after 5 years of investing my love and energy in the belief that my future was with this man that I adored, it all just disappeared before my very eyes.  Everything I had known, believed and hoped for was suddenly no longer true. It completely broke me.

I don’t know who I became but it was not someone I had ever been before. I had too much hurt, anger and shock raging in my veins to even contemplate what to do. I absolutely could have killed him and then something in me just clicked and I realised he wasn’t worth spending my life in prison for. Somehow I’m alive to tell the tale which probably sounds awfully melodramatic if you haven’t been left before, but if you have, you’ll know the feeling of abandonment I’m talking about. A part of me definitely died that day. A part of me that I think I might never get back.

The last 18 months has been some sort of attempt at trying to piece back together and rebuild a life.  There have been countless hurdles but many small victories. Some days are easier than others. I remind myself every day that I am loved by my family and friends and blessed in many ways and this in itself is a long way from the worthless void of a person I became 18 months ago. She did not know her worth. She was broken and empty.  I know I am strong, so much stronger than I thought but every once in a while I get tired of being strong. The weariness escapes through, and that’s okay. I’ve realised that we need to hurt in order to grow, but to make the pain worthwhile we must learn  the lessons life is giving us.

First things first, please don’t think this is an intentional pity party! I think if you’ve never experienced heartbreak you are probably not going to relate to anything I am saying so please just be compassionate as sharing my most painful life experience is scary and raw. I do not intend to play victim and I do not wish to be defined by a heartbreaking experience. I know we all go through shit in some form.  But I think it’s so important to share real experiences and to be open about hard times. I started this blog just as a way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. They were so exhausting.  A counsellor recommended writing down feelings as a great way of healing from traumatic experience.

For some reason, anytime I tried to put pen to paper it was just impossible to know where to start. I don’t think any of it made sense to me and if I tried to make it make sense I would just end up doubting myself and feeling even worse….  I think I was afraid to write it down because it made it more real. Things came to a head and I decided enough was enough. I knew that there was no shortcut to the healing process  but above all else I was entirely fed up of feeling so utterly shit. I was willing to do anything to feel like I was making some sort of progress.  Even if they were babysteps.

So on the first day of 2017, I reflected that I wanted 2017 to be nothing like the year before. I was starting to realise things about my grief , and what I was learning through hurting, was worth writing down. Partly so I can avoid ever going through this again but also so that when I next faced adversity I knew that suffering didn’t mean the end of the world, it just meant a learning curve and a journey to find what needs to be learnt from every experience, good and bad. I’m kind of hoping this may help me in the future, to be proud of the adversity I’ve faced and survived, to remember to always expect the unexpected but more importantly to always be thankful every step of the way.

I started writing this privately but I have since experienced first hand the power in sharing real life experiences openly and think it can be empowering both to the writer and to people reading. If sharing my pain and experiences helps even one single person feel that they are not alone, stops them giving up, or lets someone out there know another human being feels the same as them, then that would make it worthwhile.

Have courage, dear heart.

Lauren x

Note to self:

Stop making excuses for somebody that hurt you so much! Maybe he had commitment issues. Maybe he had a shitty past.  Maybe there was something going on with him that really did have nothing to do with you, but regardless it is not an excuse for treating someone you supposedly care about like absolute rubbish.  He hurt you badly. It is not your place to try and help him, heal him or even save him.

Don’t ignore this reality. The fact that he hurt you,.. is hurting you, intentionally or not, is what you need to accept, draw a line under and move past.

As hard as it may be to let go, you have to. Unless of of course you want to stay stuck in the past which will destroy you. Do you want to be destroyed? Don’t waste your time and energy on helping the spiral of self destruction.

This was not a fulfilling relationship. You just convinced yourself really successfully that it was. You were setting yourself up for disappointment each time you forgave him and hoped he could change. You believed him to be far more than he ever really was and he couldn’t be that man, even if he wanted to be. Holding on to your idea of who he was will only block you from moving forwards. He may have made you feel happy, but only to set up expectations that he could never actually meet. Stop wasting your time thinking about him. He’s not for you. There is somebody out there for you that will undoubtedly choose you from the very start and not potentially change his mind at any given moment. That won’t betray you and lie to your face. You deserve somebody who actually gives a damn about you! REMEMBER THIS!

Love from yourself x

Null and Void

I don’t really want to write this but I promised myself I would write. Even on the bad days. So much anxiety and loss of self esteem surrounds the demise of my marriage. In my swirling head sometimes I hear people’s minds working…… “What’s the matter?” they ask themselves. “Why is she still sad? Surely she can’t still love him.” So I put on this facade, this simulated smile on my face because I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m just miserable and ungrateful.

I wish I knew how to make them understand. Make them see that I’m not just being miserable and ungrateful. I’m just not all here. Part of me has been, literally, destroyed.

Some might think I should just be able to move on.  I have frustratedly urged myself to do just that, but it only showed me I was no where near ready to and that if I forced it, I would only self destruct. I wish I could just walk away and not look back but I guess that’s just not me.

It’s not as simple as just saying goodbye. How do you say goodbye to what was the most important thing in your life? To what you loved the most. When you’re all of a sudden told that what once felt like the best thing you ever did is now null and void. It makes ME feel null and void.

The definition of ‘Null’- invalid, associated with the value zero. To cancel out.

The definition of ‘Void’-  ineffectual; useless:completely empty; Free from; lacking.

So now can you see? Regardless of what I tell myself, how I pep myself up. I still come back to that nothingness.  390 days in and the void just seems to get bigger and bigger.