Dark Vs. Light

© laurenbythesea
© laurenbythesea

Aren’t we our own worst enemy at times? I really need to stop giving myself such a hard time and allow myself to grieve. I know this but I seem to slip back into bad habits. Kicking myself for not being/ feeling more. I need to remind myself that it’s because I’m a caring person that this relationship meant a lot to me and that isn’t a bad thing that I am still so upset by what’s happened. It just means I’m hurting because it really mattered to me! I didn’t take any of it lightly, I knew what I was doing and I loved him with all of my heart and everything I had. So now I am starting to accept that a part of me will always feel brokenhearted that this didn’t work out the way I hoped. I just pray that the grief gets easier and that the sadness fades because I really do not like the feeling of overwhelming sadness. It’s so shit!

Being in a relationship with someone that couldn’t ever be honest with me was entirely draining. I developed awful anxiety that went through the roof. Over 5 years later, by the time it was over, I don’t think I had an ounce of energy left to repair myself and so recovery has been like a slow rollercoaster. Can you imagine a SLOW rollercoaster? A ride without the exhilaration because you’re going slow enough to see how high up you are and how far there is to fall. Finally realising and accepting I have anxiety has really helped me to better cope. I am more self aware than I’ve ever been. I have done a lot of work on myself and I’m ready. I want, I need, to feel like I’ve made progress.

This relationship ending has emotionally destroyed me, I can only try to handle it with grace and dignity but at the same time, feel like I could burst into tears and endlessly wondering when things actually changed and what went wrong. I beat myself up for it, even when friends say ‘it was him not you.’ Anxiety makes you feel that you’re unloved and not good enough.

Day to day it is just exhausting. I’ve got fight left in me yet and I’m determined to learn to cope, to better myself. Reading articles and books increases my self awareness; give me a way to understand, to empathise , to try and make sense of what’s going through my mind and for that I am so grateful. People have recommended counselling but I’ve tried it before and it was emotionally quite harrowing. I don’t really want to bring negativity back to the surface, so I’m sort of doing it my own way. Accepting that there are going to dark days, but I think, I hope, that if I accept the darkness then it may be easier for me to start seeing the light.

 

Null and Void

I don’t really want to write this but I promised myself I would write. Even on the bad days. So much anxiety and loss of self esteem surrounds the demise of my marriage. In my swirling head sometimes I hear people’s minds working…… “What’s the matter?” they ask themselves. “Why is she still sad? Surely she can’t still love him.” So I put on this facade, this simulated smile on my face because I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m just miserable and ungrateful.

I wish I knew how to make them understand. Make them see that I’m not just being miserable and ungrateful. I’m just not all here. Part of me has been, literally, destroyed.

Some might think I should just be able to move on.  I have frustratedly urged myself to do just that, but it only showed me I was no where near ready to and that if I forced it, I would only self destruct. I wish I could just walk away and not look back but I guess that’s just not me.

It’s not as simple as just saying goodbye. How do you say goodbye to what was the most important thing in your life? To what you loved the most. When you’re all of a sudden told that what once felt like the best thing you ever did is now null and void. It makes ME feel null and void.

The definition of ‘Null’- invalid, associated with the value zero. To cancel out.

The definition of ‘Void’-  ineffectual; useless:completely empty; Free from; lacking.

So now can you see? Regardless of what I tell myself, how I pep myself up. I still come back to that nothingness.  390 days in and the void just seems to get bigger and bigger.