What if this is a challenge to become all that God calls me to be?
I was having a conversation tonight with a good friend about something totally unrelated to my current internal hell. We were chatting about her son and his approach to life; how sensitive he is. He is a very talented gymnast, yet he thinks that he is rubbish, believes that his gym coach thinks he is rubbish too. As my friend relayed the conversation she’d had with her 7 year old son, something she said really stuck with me. While explaining to her son that his coach invests so much in him that he couldn’t possibly think he’s rubbish, she said to me: “He needs to stop hearing only the negative.”
Sometimes it is SO easy to let the negative get the better of us. Especially if we’re sensitive people. Interestingly enough, only the night before I had been reading an article about different introvert personality types, their characteristics and the way they function. It’s amazing when you finally realise why you behave a certain way, or have certain needs, and when you realise you’re not the only one, that you’re not weird or crazy. So yes, I’m the sensitive type. Tell me something I don’t know. But in contrast with my friends son, I’m lucky I’m old enough and self aware enough to know that about myself and deal with it accordingly. Maybe I should research specifically into how sensitive types deal with betrayal and abandonment. Could be fascinating. At the very least, if nothing existed already, I’d have a great niche carved out for me.
Anyway, I realised that just like him, I was only allowing myself to hear the negative. I suppose there’s letting yourself sit with pain and then there’s self torture, depriving yourself of simple joy. Not intentional I’m sure, just like I’m sure my friends son doesn’t intend to believe he is rubbish, or to sabotage his own self esteem but it’s being able to tune into the right frequency to be able to grasp what you need to. To understand what’s really going on. He needed to realise that he wasn’t being told he’s rubbish at all but being pushed to become better. What if I need to realise exactly that? That’s it not about being rubbish or failing, or self destructing because I’m engulfed in emotion. Maybe I am being pushed because God knows I can be more. I deserve more.
So much has been invested in me and all the time i sit here and wallow in misery, that investment is entirely wasted.
Rather than a kick in the teeth, I need to channel this into a kick up the backside and use it as inspiration… A challenge… to become all that God calls me to be. This realisation just instantly reminded me of a bible passage I’d been drawn to a few days ago.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
Wow , I didn’t even realise it, but God is giving me exactly the guidance I have so desperately been praying for. Golden nuggets of wisdom and grace for me exactly where I need it. Life may be so very different to the picture I had painted but I am going to keep pushing through the fear if it kills me, and just trust. Trust that I’m being led where I need to go.