Note to self:

Stop making excuses for somebody that hurt you so much! Maybe he had commitment issues. Maybe he had a shitty past.  Maybe there was something going on with him that really did have nothing to do with you, but regardless it is not an excuse for treating someone you supposedly care about like absolute rubbish.  He hurt you badly. It is not your place to try and help him, heal him or even save him.

Don’t ignore this reality. The fact that he hurt you,.. is hurting you, intentionally or not, is what you need to accept, draw a line under and move past.

As hard as it may be to let go, you have to. Unless of of course you want to stay stuck in the past which will destroy you. Do you want to be destroyed? Don’t waste your time and energy on helping the spiral of self destruction.

This was not a fulfilling relationship. You just convinced yourself really successfully that it was. You were setting yourself up for disappointment each time you forgave him and hoped he could change. You believed him to be far more than he ever really was and he couldn’t be that man, even if he wanted to be. Holding on to your idea of who he was will only block you from moving forwards. He may have made you feel happy, but only to set up expectations that he could never actually meet. Stop wasting your time thinking about him. He’s not for you. There is somebody out there for you that will undoubtedly choose you from the very start and not potentially change his mind at any given moment. That won’t betray you and lie to your face. You deserve somebody who actually gives a damn about you! REMEMBER THIS!

Love from yourself x

Learning to Let Go

Im a lyrics girl. I love music, songs with meaningful lyrics, especially when I can relate to them.I heard this Birdy and Rhodes collaboration on Spotify recently and it just tore me open and sung right to my very heart.

” I don’t know why we need to break so hard                                                          

  I don’t know why we break so hard

But if we’re strong enough to let it in

We’re strong enough to let it go.”

That was exactly what I needed reminding of. I let this love and everything else that came with it into my heart and so I’m just as capable of letting it back out. Breathe in. Breathe Out.

I guess part of it must be resisting letting go of what has meant so much to me and what seems to be so much of who I am. So it’s uncomfortable and difficult to let go, even when I know its what I need to do.

According to the experts, when you learn to love yourself, you actually learn to stop resisting your feelings.You learn how to accept yourself for who you really are, without excuses or mental manipulations. Then things really start to change. You don’t know how desperately I want that.

 

 

Null and Void

I don’t really want to write this but I promised myself I would write. Even on the bad days. So much anxiety and loss of self esteem surrounds the demise of my marriage. In my swirling head sometimes I hear people’s minds working…… “What’s the matter?” they ask themselves. “Why is she still sad? Surely she can’t still love him.” So I put on this facade, this simulated smile on my face because I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m just miserable and ungrateful.

I wish I knew how to make them understand. Make them see that I’m not just being miserable and ungrateful. I’m just not all here. Part of me has been, literally, destroyed.

Some might think I should just be able to move on.  I have frustratedly urged myself to do just that, but it only showed me I was no where near ready to and that if I forced it, I would only self destruct. I wish I could just walk away and not look back but I guess that’s just not me.

It’s not as simple as just saying goodbye. How do you say goodbye to what was the most important thing in your life? To what you loved the most. When you’re all of a sudden told that what once felt like the best thing you ever did is now null and void. It makes ME feel null and void.

The definition of ‘Null’- invalid, associated with the value zero. To cancel out.

The definition of ‘Void’-  ineffectual; useless:completely empty; Free from; lacking.

So now can you see? Regardless of what I tell myself, how I pep myself up. I still come back to that nothingness.  390 days in and the void just seems to get bigger and bigger.

 

With love,

I will never understand how you could say those words. Write those vows. Make those promises. Invest so much of your love in hopes and dreams then rip it all right out of my hands.

There went the rug beneath my feet. There came the walls of my world crashing down. Because I was foolish enough to build my world around you. Well I will never make that mistake again.

So now, strangely I can no longer call you my love, my darling, my husband. I can only call you a traitor. For I have never known betrayal like this. There is no pain like this. You are now only somebody that I used to know, or maybe I never knew you at all.That’s the worst part. Questioning every ounce of who you were. The man I loved.  The man I can’t just stop loving overnight even if I want to. Was he real at all? Or just a creation of my hopeful imagination.

Almost as if from outside my own body, I observe myself deliberating whether to hate you fiercely or love you always. If I let hate win, then it devours all the happiness we had, all the memories and special things between us. Yet if I let love win, then that also destroys me, because here I am , living without you. I don’t know how. One day you’re here, next you’re gone. Everything’s gone. And how do you go about loving a gaping hole left in your life?

So the battle ensues. A love hate relationship with my inner self, with my memories. The emotions battling it out. They think they know what’s best for me. Both equally determined to claim victory. Me not wanting or having ever wanted to be a victim. Wondering what on Earth I could have done to deserve this. Watching all the pieces of my broken self scattered around me and simply not knowing where to start with putting them all back together.

I choose love. But not for you anymore. For myself. For those who love me. They say I cannot stay somewhere I don’t belong and I tried so hard to belong there but it was out of my hands. So when I think of you, I will think of love because that’s all I ever did. Showed you love. I will remember that I did not quit my marriage. I fought with blood, sweat and tears to save my marriage, before eventually deciding to save myself.

 

What if? A lesson of trust

What if this is a challenge to become all that God calls me to be?

I was having a conversation tonight with a good friend about something totally unrelated to my current internal hell. We were chatting about her son and his approach to life; how sensitive he is. He is a very talented gymnast, yet he thinks that he is rubbish, believes that his gym coach thinks he is rubbish too. As my friend relayed the conversation she’d had with her 7 year old son, something she said really stuck with me. While explaining to her son that his coach invests so much in him that he couldn’t possibly think he’s rubbish, she said to me: “He needs to stop hearing only the negative.”

#LIGHTBULB

Sometimes it is SO easy to let the negative get the better of us. Especially if we’re sensitive people. Interestingly enough, only the night before I had been reading an article about different introvert personality types, their characteristics and the way they function. It’s amazing when you finally realise why you behave a certain way, or have certain needs, and when you realise you’re not the only one, that you’re not weird or crazy. So yes, I’m the sensitive type. Tell me something I don’t know. But in contrast with my friends son, I’m lucky I’m old enough and self aware enough to know that about myself and deal with it accordingly. Maybe I should research specifically into how sensitive types deal with betrayal and abandonment. Could be fascinating. At the very least, if nothing existed already, I’d have a great niche carved out for me.

Anyway, I realised that just like him, I was only allowing myself to hear the negative. I suppose there’s letting yourself sit with pain and then there’s self torture, depriving yourself of simple joy. Not intentional I’m sure, just like I’m sure my friends son doesn’t intend to believe he is rubbish, or to sabotage his own self esteem but it’s being able to tune into the right frequency to be able to grasp what you need to. To understand what’s really going on. He needed to realise that he wasn’t being told he’s rubbish at all but being pushed to become better. What if I need to realise exactly that? That’s it not about being rubbish or failing, or self destructing because I’m engulfed in emotion. Maybe I am being pushed because God knows I can be more. I deserve more.

So much has been invested in me and all the time i sit here and wallow in misery, that investment is entirely wasted.

Rather than a kick in the teeth, I need to channel this into a kick up the backside and use it as inspiration… A challenge… to become all that God calls me to be. This realisation just instantly reminded me of a bible passage I’d been drawn to a few days ago.

James 1:2-4.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

Wow , I didn’t even realise it, but God is giving me exactly the guidance I have so desperately been praying for. Golden nuggets of wisdom and grace for me exactly where I need it. Life may be so very different to the picture I had painted but I am going to keep pushing through the fear if it kills me, and just trust. Trust that I’m being led where I need to go.

Hope…

I’m sat here trying to figure out why sometimes, even when I really want to, I can’t bring myself to sit and write about how I’m feeling. Because it is beyond explanation. But I often wonder whether these are the times that I need to write most and whether I should just force myself to get it out into the open. Maybe if I could see it there in words it would be satisfied and go away. Would the act of writing out my thoughts bring to light the answers. What am I even asking? Sometimes it all seems like such a vague mess I think that there’s no point in writing, but maybe I could write it into some sort of sense.

I feel so scarred by the experiences of the last year. Some days I seem to function well, to put on a smile and make it through the day without falling apart at the seems. I wish I knew the formula for it but it just seems to happen.

Other days, well those scars seem to throb, to burn, to drag me down like huge weights on my back and then the hurt just gushes in like water surrounding me and it’s overwhelming,  helplessly watching myself drown in a sea of sadness. I don’t want to be here like this, I don’t want to feel heavy and broken. Dizzily, sinking under into the abyss, I get so lost under those waves it feels as though I might never get out alive.

Somehow though, I do make it out. And this is not the sort of trauma that you visibly see so normal life resumes. No one knows any different. I’m just glad to have survived it.  I wish I knew where I find the strength … wish that it felt like it gets easier to get myself out of it the next time but it isn’t, seems there is no rhyme or reason, just a coming out of the darkness and back into the light. I’m always looking for the light.

Is it God? Is it hope? Is it my mind growing or my broken heart piecing itself back together and fighting back? Maybe it’s all of those things. Maybe it’s none. I’d like to say I know but truth is I have no idea how I’ve survived the last year. Part of me still feels dead and so many parts of me still feel broken.

If I knew a straightforward way to just move forwards with my life, I would surely do it. But the only way out seems to be through. It feels like I’m stuck in limbo. And so I go on swimming through the endless waves of emotions. Sometimes they relent and there is a brief calm. A peace. A sense of surrender. Maybe it’s just because I forget for a few moments the pain and destruction that seems to have lodged firmly inside my heart.

In those few moments of peace and surrender I want to grasp at the happiness and relish the gratitude I feel, the light that surrounds me before the darkness descends again, and I lose the ability to feel thankful, to feel anything. The darkness swallows me up, brings me crashing back down.

It is beyond frustrating. I guess it would be like clambering a mountain only to slip back down each time. And I am so exhausted. This weary journey to an unknown destination that seems to just get further away. I can’t grasp it, something elusive, which I am reaching for. And each time as I watch my self drown and strenuously try to sit with the pain, hope somehow brings me back to the surface.

Is hope is a choice? Well hope is my choice.

 

 

Just beginning….

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The first step is the hardest….

If I had a pound for everytime I was given the advice that I should write my feelings down…. Well I could bloody retire and pay off my student loan, then live the rest of my days on a cruise ship!

Despite this,  it’s taken me a long, hard slog to get to the point where I thought:  “Hey I know what I need to do, I’ll write my thoughts down.” #lightbulb moment

So this blog has multiple purposes.

Firstly, I just want to get some of my thoughts out of my mind because quite frankly, they are too heavy to carry around. Over the last year or so, my thoughts have had the power to eat away at me. If I can lighten the load, it is surely worth a try.

Secondly I thought ‘wouldn’t it be wonderful to look back on, if/ when I have eventually “recovered”, or let’s just say grown from this difficult period in my life, I could look back and see just how far I’ve come?’  That’s another thing people so often say. To feel proud of how far I’ve come. While I can see that yes, I am definitely not still in my pyjamas throwing a solo pity party  (well not everyday ha) I definitely struggle to recognise that I’ve made any sort of progress. I just feel lost and somehow numb. But in time I’m really hoping that I feel a little less lost and a little less numb. Perhaps even maybe when others go through dark times I will be able to say, “Hey you. I see you. I’ve been there and things will get better. If you’re not convinced, then go read my blog where I charted my epic journey from unknown territory to a victorious land where I learnt my own worth!”…..           or something like that. So here I am. Beginning.

It takes bravery to begin. I’m reading this book by Ann Voskamp at the moment and these words particularly touched me.

“It takes ridiculous stores of courage to keep reaching out, to break out of your comfort zone. First steps always seem like not enough but they are the bravest and they start the journey to where you’re meant to go. It takes great trust to believe in the smallness of beginnings.”

So here I am. Feeling small and not sure where I’m meant to go, but none the less courageously making my own beginning.

Lots of love, Lauren xxx

Kent newborn photography: Noah & his nautical nursery!

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Catching up with updates from the summer. Let’s kick things off with more from the shoot with the delightful little Noah. He has big blue eyes and two very proud parents! Oh and his very own ark, just saying! In his cute little seaside theme nursery we took some precious portrait of Noah, Mummy and Daddy and he was the quietest little baby I have ever seen. What a gem!

If you’re expecting or you have a new addition to your family, get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.

Lauren x

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Canterbury Wedding Photographer: A sneak peek of Nicky & Gary’s wedding at Preston Court

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Nicky and Gary were married on a wonderfully sunny day in a beautiful outdoor ceremony at the stunning Preston Court just outside of Canterbury, Kent.

It was a truly fab day full of colour, smiles and plenty of fun with eleven bridesmaids and lots of family and friends there to help them celebrate their day.

Congratulations Nicky and Gary, I hope you had a lovely break in Italy and lots of gelato!

Enjoy this sneak peek and more from this amazing wedding to come soon!

Lauren x

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Kent Portrait Photography: Little Poppy’s Family Shoot in Herne Bay

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So as promised I am showing you what I have been working on lately. A few weeks ago I had the honour of photographing Poppy’s christening at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Herne Bay.

As it was such a special day Poppy’s mum wanted to have some family photos with Poppy before going to the church. I love observing and creating a record of people’s special days. It was lovely to see all Poppy’s family and friends of the family come together to celebrate.

One of my favourite shots  is Poppy deciding Daddy doesn’t need his nose and trying to pull it off 🙂

Thanks to Kirsty and family for being such a pleasure to photograph.

Lauren xx

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