Three years on: a reflection

There’s something about any event that marks the passage of time that’s both unnerving + exciting. How did so much happen since this time last year? What will happen by this time next year. But it’s also easy to get sucked into the past.

With my birthday yesterday & Christmas only days away this time is always reflective.

Three years ago today I was plunged into sudden darkness when I found out Eoghan was cheating and decided he wasn’t ready for marriage. I don’t say that to make anyone feel sorry for me. I hope only to be hope for anyone feeling like they are too broken to carry on. Anyone feeling a future is unthinkable. Anyone desperate to hold on to some resemblance of themself but feels it all slipping away.

Traumatic events are often downplayed. Sometimes others don’t know what to say so we avoid talking. But pain stays silent + underground until faced. They say shit happens to everyone. Some curveballs knock you down so hard you literally have to rebuild from scratch. Pain has forced me to grow in unseen ways. Ways I sometimes didn’t feel ready for but with the help of those around me I faced and I’m endlessly thankful for that.

3 years on, kindness continues to move me forwards. I stand here knowing I’ve survived the very pit of depression and can finally look forward to the future. There’ll be hard times but there is always hope.

Christmas+ birthdays have been so hard bringing reminders + fresh heartache. This year I was determined to not be stagnant in sadness which tries its best to define me. So here I am, literally upside down, pushing outside my comfort zone. Learning to truly care for myself and I’ve felt so free.

I’ve spent a lot of time near the sea. The sea doesn’t celebrate Christmas. The tide comes in. It goes out. It washes away your footprints as if you were never there. Every few seconds a clean slate. There’s something so incredibly healing about that. The past is gone. Even when I feel sad it reminds me that I truly loved + that was a blessing, the future holds so much hope, adventure + possibility.

Christmas is alot of things to alot of people. This Christmas is perhaps the first time I’ve really believed everything is going to be ok.

Here’s to that. 2019 I’m ready!

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