With love,

I will never understand how you could say those words. Write those vows. Make those promises. Invest so much of your love in hopes and dreams then rip it all right out of my hands.

There went the rug beneath my feet. There came the walls of my world crashing down. Because I was foolish enough to build my world around you. Well I will never make that mistake again.

So now, strangely I can no longer call you my love, my darling, my husband. I can only call you a traitor. For I have never known betrayal like this. There is no pain like this. You are now only somebody that I used to know, or maybe I never knew you at all.That’s the worst part. Questioning every ounce of who you were. The man I loved.  The man I can’t just stop loving overnight even if I want to. Was he real at all? Or just a creation of my hopeful imagination.

Almost as if from outside my own body, I observe myself deliberating whether to hate you fiercely or love you always. If I let hate win, then it devours all the happiness we had, all the memories and special things between us. Yet if I let love win, then that also destroys me, because here I am , living without you. I don’t know how. One day you’re here, next you’re gone. Everything’s gone. And how do you go about loving a gaping hole left in your life?

So the battle ensues. A love hate relationship with my inner self, with my memories. The emotions battling it out. They think they know what’s best for me. Both equally determined to claim victory. Me not wanting or having ever wanted to be a victim. Wondering what on Earth I could have done to deserve this. Watching all the pieces of my broken self scattered around me and simply not knowing where to start with putting them all back together.

I choose love. But not for you anymore. For myself. For those who love me. They say I cannot stay somewhere I don’t belong and I tried so hard to belong there but it was out of my hands. So when I think of you, I will think of love because that’s all I ever did. Showed you love. I will remember that I did not quit my marriage. I fought with blood, sweat and tears to save my marriage, before eventually deciding to save myself.

 

One thought on “With love,

  1. Beautifully written. I can feel the emotion and weight behind every word. I hope you can take a small amount of solace in knowing that you are creating art with every sentence that you write.

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